Decision making

So, I have been putting off making a pretty big decision. It's like I know my decision, I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't want to do it. I've noticed, however that this effects my  motivation in so many other areas of life. I'm  less motivated to exercise, clean, and by the lack of a blog in quite a while, anything extra.

I do believe however, that I've discovered what the root of my problem is. I'm afraid of failing, afraid of falling on my face, and letting people down. I look at it and realize that this decision will literally change everything about my life, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that. I also struggle with the idea of even being good enough to handle it. Am I really equipped and ready for this? Is there more I should be doing now?

It's in these moments, I wish I had my dad the most. Needing his wisdom, and straight talk, as well as his encouragement. In moments of self pity, I hear the Lord saying "I've got this, rest in me first. I am all you need."  And yet I still struggle, I still doubt. So then everything else suffers because of it.

I wish I had a great answer, or solution. Something that I could share with you about this journey, but I don't yet.  I just know that during this season, I will wait on the Lord. And maybe I'll get some great break through. But in the meantime, I would like to ask you to pray for me. Pray for wisdom and clarity.

Thank you so much for your love and support, and I hope to be able to report soon with my decision!

Dang.... That's Love

 And the Lord said to Moses: “You are going to rest with your ancestors, and these people will soon prostitute themselves to the foreign gods of the land they are entering. They will forsake me and break the covenant I made with them." - Deuteronomy 31:16

 Here it is, Moses is standing before the Lord, his journey with the Isrealites is coming to an end. His life is soon going to be over, and all he has is the promise of being able to look upon the land that the Isrealites are going to inherit. He has just commissioned Joshua to lead the people into the promised land, the land that he himself will not enter. 

What a moment. I can't even imagine what Moses was thinking, feeling, experiencing within this time. Then God says "Hey I know I'm going to give the people this land, and I know right now everything is good. I am their only God, they are focused on me and my gifts... but they will rebel." 

Oh the knot that must have formed in Moses' stomach. To know that the people he had been leading are going to finally receive the promises of God, and yet they are going to turn around and mess it up by turning to other gods. In fact God says "they will prostitute themselves to foreign gods..." that's a deep level of idolatry if you ask me.

But what is so amazing to me in this verse, is that God still takes them into the land...
When the trumpets sounded, the army shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the men gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so everyone charged straight in, and they took the city. They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys- Joshua 6:20-21

God gave Israel the victory! He brought them into the land He had promised their forefathers,  not only did he give them the land, but he allowed them to completely defeat the people. Despite the knowledge of Israel's future rebellion, God still makes good on His promise. 

This completely blows my mind, because it continued to happen all through out the Bible. God promised a savior, a Messiah, and even when people rejected Him, God still used Jesus. Jesus, although beaten, abused, and mocked, still died for us. And even today, as Christ followers, how often do we forget where our salvation comes from? How often do we look at our victories, and triumphs and forget the God who fought the battle for us, and yet during our trials, we cry out and ask where He is.

Yet despite all of this, God still Loves us... He not only loves us, He continues to pour out grace and mercy on us day after day. We wake up with breath in our lungs, the very breath of God moving in and out of our bodies... Dang that's love... We are no longer under condemnation of hell, because Jesus died in our places... That's a BIG love.... We are called children of God, chosen and dearly loved by the creator of the Universe... That's Love! 

I am so overwhelmed at times by the sheer beauty and greatness of God's never ending, never changing love for me. The fact that I daily fail Him, and yet He still says to me "come here daughter, I love you, and you are still mine, nothing you can do will change that. And even though you messed up, I still want to use you. Do you see what I've placed before you, I know it seems hard, and even impossible, but here's the deal I'm going to do this with you, you aren't alone. And I will give you grace along the way to make it through." 

God Loves you so much! He wants to daily pour out His grace on you, and He has a BIG and amazing purpose for you. He wants to give you His good promises, it just takes a willingness to come before Him and recognize your need for His saving Grace in your life. You my friend are dearly loved.... 

Watch my back, I'm going into battle

One of my very favorite times during the week in South Africa was Discipleship. On Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, we would meet in a house with a group of Africans to have a Bible Study, Small group, whatever you would like to call it. It was encouraging to see people growing in their faith, as well as their understanding of Christ. But I think the thing that struck a chord with my heart the most, was the community, or faith family that was being formed.

As the church, we have tried to supplement the need for community with "small groups" that meet once a week. Sometimes we'll really see a group become a family. They end up spending more than just their once a week meeting together. They become a faith family, praying together, eating together, all as they begin to live out the Acts 2 church. But the majority of groups are a once a week meeting and that's it. This is so sad to me. The church is meant to be a living, breathing, organism that consists of all the parts living together, constantly in communication. We are called to share each other's burdens, to walk along side of each other, and yet this is an area we fail the most. 

It really struck a chord for me today while I was watching the show "Amish: Out of Order", a series about people who have left the Amish community. If you don't know this, I have a secret love of the Amish community, but that's a blog for another day ;). During the show, Mose, one of the main guys the series focus on, was meeting with John a fellow ex-amish. John had invited Mose to meet with him and some of his friends, to help Mose process through some of the issues of his past. 

While the group of men were sitting around the table, Mose was really struggling through this process, when John reached across the table and took his hand. He looked in Mose's eyes and said "we are here, and we will fight this battle for you, if you will let us"... I began to cry, moved by the love and sincerity of this man. Then the question came to my mind "When did the church forget this concept?"  Why don't we look into our brother's and sisters eyes and say "I'm here, I will fight this battle with you, side by side, and if I have to, I will fight it for you." Instead we say "I'll pray for you", and then totally forget to even do that. 

How off track have we gotten? One of my dear friends, Crystal told me once "I need to know how I can pray for you, so that I can be guarding your back as you are going into battle". What a beautiful picture. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are charging on into battle, knowing the victory is won, but yet we run hand in hand, holding up shields for each other as fiery arrows are being slung into our ranks. But instead we often try to run in alone. "Just me and Jesus, we got this" but that's not how God created us. He created us to be a part of a community, or better yet a part of an army. An army that fights for each other, not just once a week, but daily, hourly, and moment to moment. Paul said it this way 

 "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2

He's saying"Go in and fight along side this person with whatever it is they are dealing with. In this way, you will be obeying the second greatest commandment 'Love your neighbor as yourself'. Get into the dirty and grimy areas of life, don't be afraid of the scary and dark corners. Just get in there and fight!"  

I began to see this develop in the discipleship group I had the privilege to work with this summer. These people began to learn how to live in community, they were learning how to pray for one another, also how to answer each others questions. What a beautiful picture of God's intentions for us. 

My prayer is that we will all learn how to truly live in community, and not only that, but that we will learn how to fight for each other, because dangit we're all fighting a hard battle. And if I don't have my sister watching my back, and if I'm not watching hers, one of us is going to get hit. And we don't do well alone, because that's not how God created us to be...

A real quick update...

There has been so much going on over the last couple of weeks, that I'm not sure what to tell you about here.... So I figured I would give you a small cap on the good, bad, and ugly ;)

• There have been so many times that God has challenged me to step up and try something new... Every time I've taken these opportunities, I have been absolutely amazed by God's grace, and provision!
• The Lord has brought so many women into my path that I have so desired to be able to walk through life with... Perhaps a new ministry path in my future?? (thank you Margie for being my mentor, and walking along with me over the last few years! You're a great example!)
• I am blessed with amazing family not only back home in MI but also here in South Africa!! 
• Two naps in one day is great idea!! 
• God is AMAZING!!! His Mercies are new every morning, and His desire to use us is beautiful and yet scary all at once! 

Ok that was quick and yet I think it got out everything I wanted to communicate! Thank you all for being a part of this journey, I look forward to sharing more in depth stories soon!! Love you all!!

Invisible Rope

So, there is this game that Aliza and I play... (I know a story about Aliza... I am in Africa, but this is relevant I promise). We don't really have a name for it, but for now I'll call it "the invisible rope"...

Here's how the game goes.... We'll be walking together and Aliza will say "Micky will you hold my hand" to this I always respond yes!
there is something about this that makes me smile, and want to cry all at the same time. What beautiful trust and confidence a child puts in us when they slip their hand into ours. 


We begin our trek, and as we begin to climb a hill, Aliza will look up at me and say "I'm slipping". With those words, she starts to walk backwards down the hill. The first time this happened, I had no idea how to react... Oh the lessons this little girl has taught me...
Then it's my turn. I will say to her "hold on I'm going to throw you the rope." With these words I pull out my invisible "rope" and toss it to her. She will catch it in her little hands, and then I begin to pull her towards me. We struggle as gravity threatens to pull her down again, but at last she arrives safely to me. Then I take the rope and tie it around her waist, and secure the other end around myself. We continue on our way, sometimes she'll start to slip away, but I am always able to pull close again. 


I love this little girl, and I want her to feel secure, safe, and always cared for when she is with me. God has taught me so much about His love through my relationship with Aliza. It's during this game that I can hear the Lord say "I won't let you fall, I'll always bring you close to me".
Like the awesome father that He is, God keeps reminding me of this game, and His promises to me...

God is calling me out, and stretching me in new ways. He's moving me forward in His plan and will for my life, but I'm resisting. I'm resisting because I don't know if I will be able to fulfill what He's calling me to. I am afraid I'm not good enough, and I won't be used fully... So the other day I was praying and struggling through all of this, and God brought to mind the game Aliza and I play. I heard Him say


"I won't ever let you fall. I'm right here, and when you feel like your slipping away, I'll pull you in tighter. Hold my hand, let me lead you and I will use you. I will work through you!"


How great our Savior is! He is amazing and wonderful, and always calling us to greater things! I am beyond blessed to know that God is going to continue to hold us close when we feel like the ground beneath us is slipping away. 


Rest in Him... Hold His hand... Walk with your sweet loving savior. 

We are not alone

Several times (actually the majority of the time) that I have been out on ministry here in South Africa, I've found myself  Discipleing fellow believers. These conversations are usually tough because the questions that are asked are not easy. These questions make me have to really search, to recall scriptures, and then wrestle with my own doubts, fears, and issues. 

One day I met a woman named Portia, she was talking to our group and asking where God was while she suffered. We were giving the answers of "He's right here with you, He promises to never leave us nor forsake us..." You know the answers we're all taught in Sunday school, and know by heart. But then came a moment when she looked straight at me and said 

"Have you ever lost anyone you love? Are your mother and father still alive?"

Ouch... I knew she was expecting me to say "no I've never experienced that, my parents are both alive and well..." I also know she was hoping to be able to prove that God leaves us in our suffering. But I had to be honest, and honestly this is my least favorite question to answer. I tend to answer this question very matter of factly, I think it's a defense mechanism. If I allow myself to be truly vulnerable, then the pain and hurt that still linger from my loss just might come out. So I took a deep breath and answered 

"Portia I have lost someone I love very dearly. My mother was in a bad accident in 2001 that has left her disabled, and my father died unexpectedly last year in April. I know how it feels."

Silence... The truth of what I had just said to her registered on her face. I can almost imagine what she was thinking at that moment, " but you are white, how is it that you've experienced pain and sorrow? Is it completely possible that I am not alone?" 

She began  to share her story, and it truly is filled with hurt, anger, sorrow, and loss. Portia lost her father when she was very young, and her mother died 7 years ago. She has been struggling to get by, but along the way there have been tragedies that have left her feeling hopeless and broken. She gave her life to the Lord several years ago, but now is struggling to find Him among the pain. 

There it was, the familiar heaviness, my heart was breaking all over again.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on my feet standing next to Portia. Looking into her eyes all I knew to say was "I am so sorry". Sometimes we get caught up in words, and trying to speak out of sympathy, when all people really need is empathy. They need to know that someone else feels their pain, to have another person reach out and touch them, to simply say "I'm here, and I love you". 

We were able to encourage and love on Portia. And the next morning God gave us the opportunity to talk with her again. As I looked into this beautiful woman's eyes, I was reminded of Isaiah 49:15-16 

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

though she may forget, I will not forget you!

See I have engraved you on the palm of my hand,

your walls are ever before me..."

These words have comforted me so many times when I'm crying out to the Lord and I hear no response. But yet it's moments when I find a brother or a sister who have experienced the pain of losing someone you love, that truly can hear the Lord say "I will not forget you, you are not alone in this..." It's being reminded that others are fighting this same battle that often gives me hope and comfort. 

I will not soon forget Portia, and the way that the Lord gently spoke through her...

You are not alone

Stretching...

I'm so tired of wasting my time. I'm tired of looking around me to see that the labor and toil of my hands have produced nothing but worthless, self indulgence. I'm so sick of all the me talk, the senseless ramblings that come from a self centered, self focused life.
"What about my time? What about my stuff? What about my plan?"


Get it away from me! My prayer has been "Lord strip me of the things that hinder. I want to lay bare before you, with nothing in the way. Call out the dirty and nasty in my heart and in my life, don't allow me to be the same. Because seriously, my life is worthless without you God! I am nothing but flesh and bones walking about in a desolate land if I do not have you."

How has God answered? He has been stretching me. He's been calling me out and calling out the things in my life that hinder. There have been moments when I look at the challenge ahead and think "there is no way" and yet I hear the voice of the savior say "oh yes you can, because I will" Dang how great is our God??

I've seen over and over again the change that can happen when we trust in the Lord. I've seen the look in a person's eyes go from lifeless to hopefilled with the very news that God loves them, and He sent His son to die for them. And yet I still struggle with giving my all to serve this amazing savior.... What the heck is wrong with me??? Seeking the grace and beauty that can only come from Christ is teaching me that laying aside my agenda, my plans, and all the my me I grossness that I tend to focus on is worth it. Because God is amazing, and His son died for me....

Dang God is so Good!!